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Mess of things.
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Lizzy is Offline
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Default Mess of things. - 06-22-2014, 11:27 PM

I'm not sure what this thread is really for... I just need to vent.

I've suffered with depression for a while now.
It may not seem like it to you guys, but I can get really miserable at some points.

I suppose I'll talk about my experience on SG for a little bit.

As of a few months ago, I stopped posting - I felt like my opinions didn't matter.
I would often type up a paragraph of a reply, then delete it, believing that it was unnecessary.
It went from paragraphs, to sentences, to a couple words, to nothing at all.
I honestly felt like my opinions were stupid, and I occasionally still do.

Then I stopped participating in-game.
I absolutely loved being a staff member, I really did.
I enjoyed helping - I thrived off of the players' gratitude.
But that suddenly stopped when only 15-20 were online per day.
I didn't feel the need to log in anymore.
I felt like a burden if I didn't log in.
As a result, I left.
Do I miss being a staff member? Of course.
Would I return if needed? In a heartbeat.

So... enough of SG.

It seems like I've met so many people who suffer from the evil shadow of depression.
They say they want to die. They want to give up. Nothing's worth it anymore.
And I know that feeling all too well.
However, I put on a smile and offer my guidance to them.

Every time I do that... I don't know. It seems like a piece of my heart melts away.
I want to cry. I want to be the one asking for help. But I can't.
I have to put on a strong face and be the one who comforts.
It's so difficult.
And when they apologize for being a burden, I have to let them know they're wanted.
The heartache is overwhelming at times.

I never would've imagined that I'd be depressed.
Me, Lizzy, the care-free idiot who was always out-going... now a psychological mess.
It's just suicidal thoughts... day after day.
If I didn't believe in a God, I'd probably have taken my life by now.
I honestly don't know what's worth staying in this world, other than a potentially brighter future.

I have many other problems that I'd like to spill, but they'd probably get too personal.

So that's that! Feel free to read it. If you don't want to, then that sucks, 'cause you're not getting a tl;dr.

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Default 06-22-2014, 11:34 PM

Find something to live for.

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Lizzy (06-23-2014)
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Default 06-22-2014, 11:44 PM

something will come up, you wont stay depressed forever, just have to be patient and wait for that something to lift your spirit

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Default 06-23-2014, 12:19 AM

hang in there, it'll all get better
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Default 06-23-2014, 12:29 AM

Not even going to lie and act like I haven't been in an extremely low point in my life very similar to yours. I suffered from a lot of stuff in -and out- of school. I hated going to school, but I hated coming home too. I just want you to know it will get better. I remember a few times contemplating on why I was even still here. I constantly helped people, but I couldn't take my own advice. I just kept going deeper and deeper into a dark state. Sounds weird, I know, but I at least his it from everyone. And it was at it's worst when
My bestfriend decided to ditch me completely. Let it be known that this hasn't happened once, but twice. Two different people, two different times, but the same exact feeling. And it sucked. I felt like I had no one to talk to. But eventually, it got better. So please, take my word for it. It will get better. It might take a while, but eventually everything that's leading you into this depression will go away. Or at least they will be a lot less noticeable (because something like losing a friend that you had from childhood doesn't just go away).

Please, Liz. Know that if you want to talk to somebody, I'm here. And don't take me for someone who just says that because they feel like they have to. Take me for someone who actually cares, cause I do.

;;sorry for typos, I'm on my phone
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Lizzy (06-23-2014)
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Default 06-23-2014, 01:37 AM

It will get bettetlr u will see! I don't know what u feel because i never had it bit i know people who had it.
try ro focus on friends and family, or other things that can make u happy.
And talk about it with someone who u really trust, parents or friend. But there will be a time that u will enjoy everyting again. Stay strong.

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Default 06-23-2014, 01:48 AM

Get a boyfriend or make new friends whom you can rely on.
I know some people that have been depressed and the best thing you can do to get past that dark period is to be busy with alot of other things.
examples like: going to the Gym, going out for dinner with a friend (either male / female), and talking, talking always helps, just tell someone that you can trust about all your feelings.
It's something that can happen to the happiest person in the world.
Don't worry, it will eventually pass by, everyone suffers some day in his / her life.

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Default 06-23-2014, 02:35 AM

I'll start off with a few quotes that I like.

"Why am I fighting to live, if I'm just living to die"
"I understand the mind of a man that commits suicide, but don't agree with any innocent that has to die".

Originally Posted by Lizzy View Post

I have many other problems that I'd like to spill, but they'd probably get too personal.
Originally Posted by Lizzy View Post

They say they want to die. They want to give up. Nothing's worth it anymore.
And I know that feeling all too well.
From what I read, you didn't really list anything that is directly affecting you, or what makes you depressed, aside from having to listen to the sad tale of other depressed people.

Judging by your experience here on SG, you say you thrived off the gratitude that the players showed you for your help. That tells me that you enjoy helping people, something that few staff member's on any RSPS seem to care about. Perhaps you could try to find something in real life to do that satisfies you. Maybe volunteering somewhere? I love helping people personally. Like when I was in line for the store once, an older lady had a can of food in her hand, and thought it was 1 dollar, turns out it was 2, and she only had around 100ish pennies (one wrapped roll, and some in her hand). I paid it for her, and when she tried to hand me all of her pennies, I told her to keep them. It made me feel really good that I was able to help her, because she was clearly down on her luck and really what is $2 anyways? I do lots of little random acts of kindness like this, and it makes me feel good at the end of the day. I volunteer 2 times a year to help pick up trash around our community, and we usually have a few giant dumpsters full of litter. I use to work in a personal care-home where I helped the elderly with hygiene, eating, house duties etc. The personal reward and satisfaction was enough to keep me going to the next day, because I get the fuck its all the time where I just want to end it all. Currently I have no job, and don't have much of any motivation to find one. Work some job I don't like, to help make the person who owns the place richer? Use that money to pay bills that I don't want have in the first place? They say Alcohol and Tobacco (US), gets a higher tax rate called a "Sin tax?" (I think?) to try and deter people from using these things. I wonder what they think all of these taxes on our wages do lmao? My brother was making $10 an hour under the table, and clearing lots more than me when I was being paid 13$/hour on the books. When I worked for $7.50 an hour, I think after taxes I was probably averaging $5 an hour at best, it sucks eh. I dunno, I'm like you though, I don't try to complain about stuff, and just have to put on a facade and be strong for my family and friends. I know you don't know me, but you can always PM me if you want to vent or talk, and anything you say will be locked in the vault of things that already haunt me on a daily basis. I hope you can get out of the rut you are in, because long term depression can manifest into other chronic health problems, and keeping things bottled up isn't great. I personally will never take any type of medication that will alter my thoughts or way of thinking, but I defiantly like being able to vent to people that I know won't judge me, repeat the things I say, and simply lend a caring ear.

Stay safe

Last edited by White Light; 06-23-2014 at 02:40 AM.
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Default 06-23-2014, 02:40 AM

It does something to me to see the change you've made from the happy Liz to what you're now. I wish I could make a significant difference in your current mentality, because suicide is never the answer.

I've been through suicidal thoughts when I was a little younger, mainly because I thought I wasn't good enough for the world, that I lacked everything to be successful. But then, my grandfather died. You'd think it would only make me feel worse, but the opposite happened. It made me realise that it could always be worse, and I decided to make the best of it. I applied for a job, which got me great friends, money to buy stuff I enjoy, and not too long ago I graduated high school, which was a huge boost to my confidence. I'm regaining strength, and now that I look back it was indeed a matter of time (and some personal effort like applying for a job) what got me back up.

Just make sure you know that it's never too late Lizzy. There's always a way out other than suicide. And if there's anything I can do to help, even if it's something really small, or really big, if it makes the difference for you, I'd be glad to help.

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Lizzy (06-23-2014)
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Default 06-23-2014, 05:28 AM

I felt like I wrote this myself... For this same reason, I can't really offer any words of advice...

Everything I'm about to say may sound weird and even creepy to some, but, Lizzy, as I've said to you already, I cherish you as a person and as a friend. I'm a very emotional person when it comes to relations with others, so when I get to really like someone, I feel the urge to be important or needed to this someone. However, because I fear being rejected by them, I tend to hold my feelings back. The things I did for you some time ago were for exactly this reason. After some time, I felt bad for doing it, not because I did it, but because I couldn't show you I cared through other means.

Now, when I realized that you weren't as active anymore, I thought something was wrong and desperately wanted to find out. However, I was afraid to reach out to you. I convinced myself that you were doing just fine and that you just moved on with life... I see now that's not the case, so I'd like to offer you my help now. Whenever you need to just lash out or cry or talk or whatever, I'd happily be the one to take it all in. You can even blame me for all your problems, I wouldn't care. If you feel like your posts on here don't matter, send me it before you post so that I may reassure you that it does. I'll write an entire essay if that's what it takes to convince you of that. What I'm trying to say is that everyone needs their crutch. Luckily, I have mine, many of them in fact. It would make me happy to be the crutch of someone I care for.

My apologies for making this more about me that I should have and if I came off strong/weird... It's just who I am when it comes to these matters.

Last edited by Mr 223; 06-23-2014 at 01:51 PM.
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